"Teaching my child to participate in the home environment has been instrumental to her self-confidence."

- Diana Rittinger

Raising Children with High Self-Esteem

By Tamara Sheesley Balis

Self-esteem:  Satisfaction with oneself.  Self-confidence, self-respect and self-acceptance.

Self-esteem stems from a feeling of being loved and accepted and from a sense of feeling competent.  Feeling competent is constituted by being able to perform tasks well and solve problems independently.  Children need models of happy people with high self-esteems to emulate this, as well.

Love

It is important for adults to respond promptly and lovingly when an infant cries.  Whether he wants to be fed, changed or held, we need to offer much love, hugs and cuddling to babies.  This directly impacts their feeling loved and cared for, and helps develop the beginnings of a strong self-esteem.

The need for unconditional love continues as the baby grows into her toddler years, and there are many others things you can do, as well.  To reinforce the child’s feelings of being loved, continue to spend focused time with your child.  However, while you are spending time with your child, it is important you are having fun and enjoying yourself!  You are teaching your child how to have fun and be with others.  If you are strained, hurried and bossy, this is what your child is learning and you will see it in his interactions with other children. 

Toddler are curious and explorers by nature.  It is vital to stay in appreciation of her successes.  Children are always seeking true appreciation – but not surprise at her success.  When an adult is surprised by the success of a child, the child can feel her success is unanticipated and sometimes this can be heard as the adult doesn’t believe in the capability of the child.  Also, with appreciation, it is important to stay away from flattery or praise.  The difference is felt by the child, and appreciation is the tool for raising self-esteem.  Children at this age depend heavily on the adults in their lives to develop a healthy self-esteem.

Modeling happiness and self-acceptance

The greatest gift we can give our children is showing them how to be happy on a daily basis.  It is such a disservice for us as adults to put all our attention and hope into children – expecting them to be happy and make us happy.  This immense amount of power and pressure on children can cause them to be spoiled and overwhelmed.  Can you imagine having to make someone else happy?  This is an impossible task, and does not provide for a healthy self-esteem.

However, part of what lowers children’s self-esteem is when their parents and teachers are completely and solely focused on them and their achievement, often at their own expense.  For example, when 5 year old Johnny is running the house because his parents so desperately want him to be happy, this is detrimental to Johnny.  No one can make another happy, and to place an adult’s happiness on the attitude, behavior and well-being of a child is detrimental to that child’s well-being. 

Part of building your child’s self-esteem is founded on her parents and teachers having a high self-esteem.   When there is no expectation on the child for another’s happiness, the child has the freedom to be who she really is.

One trap adults can fall into is expecting their children’s success to look a certain way.  When a child’s personal genius is different than expected, it is easy to be discouraged or disappointed.  Children feel this deeply, even without hearing it.  It is important to value children for their own individual genius and aptitudes.  Their unique personality may look different from yours, but really look to see the brilliance of it.

Feeling of Competence

Many people desperately love their children, and in doing so, may want to shelter them from life’s failures.  Part of developing your child’s feeling of competence comes from allowing him to do things for himself.  Let him pick out his clothes, even if they don’t match.  Let him pour the water, even if he spills.  So often we don’t want our children to fail, we never give them the chance to try!  Much competence is based on trial and error. 

Also, allowing your children to do things for themselves, even at the risk of failure, allows them to learn to take risks.  Children have to be taught that it is OK to make mistakes.  Think of Albert Einstein who failed hundreds of times in his life.  If he had been afraid of mistakes and failure, we wouldn’t have much of our modern day conveniences.  

Having children participate in the household chores is a great way to raise self-esteem.  When children are a superfluous addition to the family, they can feel that.  They become an unnecessary part of the household, and they can sense that.  Instead, having your children have jobs they are responsible for and held accountable to allow them to feel like an important, instrumental part of the family.  If they don’t do their jobs, the household doesn’t run as well, and they feel needed and important! This is a great way to boost self-esteem.

We advocate Top Priority:  Who ever is in charge has fun!  It sounds like a ridiculous rule as our culture is so child-centered now.  What you are really teaching here is how to be in service to others.  Think for yourself of the times you have been really happy.  How many of them are actually when you have been in complete and total service to others.  Maybe you found someone the perfect gift.  Maybe you helped out in your child’s classroom and forgot the time.  Many children never get to experience being in complete service to others because it is all about them!  Then we wonder why children are self-absorbed!  It is that they never have been taught to get their attention off themselves and onto the people around them.

Working with young children in trainings I often see youngsters who have never had to participate in household chores.  Often these children are spoiled.  One 3 year old, whose mom still dressed him, couldn’t believe it when I set him up to wash some silverware in a plastic tub on the kitchen floor.  At first he was reluctant.  But once he got started, he became enthralled, and his proudest moment of the weekend came when he said to me holding up a fork, “See!  I even got the points clean!” and then asked for some more things he could wash.

It is much easier to do things ourselves… we are faster and have had much more practice.  To allow a child to discover the delights of assisting takes patience and lots of love.  The return on your investment, however, is wonderful!  And the child knows that his work and effort are valuable, leaving her feeling competent.

This strong sense of self and her own ability transfers into self-confidence as a child grows older.  Beginning at ages 5 or 6, children begin to look to their communities for acknowledgment and self-esteem building.  With a strong foundation of love, sense of his own competence and strong modeling, a child enters these years able to really develop a strong sense of self. 

Loving and appreciating your children through their mistakes is crucial.  A child must know she is loved and accepted no matter what for her to have the freedom to really experiment and experience life fully.

Children are brilliant!  And we must argue on the side of their brilliance!  Always know that your child is capable of finding a solution.  Giving him the opportunity to find a solution will greatly develop his self-esteem. 

Emotional Intelligence

Beginning as early as age three we can teach our children emotional intelligence.  Emotional intelligence is one of the greatest creators of self-esteem.  When children learn that they have a hand in creating their own reality, there is such a sense of power!  For example, Billy is teasing Bobby at school every day until Bobby cries.  Its easy to mark Bobby as the victim and blame Billy for being a bully.  But that takes all power away from Bobby, and begins a pattern of blame that may last for the rest of his life.  Instead, an adult can speak with Bobby about his responsibility in the interaction.  Is he provoking Billy?  What did he learn from this interaction?  How could he handle himself next time so he doesn’t end up in the same situation? 

Children are such an immense gift, and there is so much we can do to awaken and bring out their brilliance.